'L' (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} virescentelf) wrote,@ 2008-05-09 19:51:00 |
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Re-write and embarrassment.
As I said before in a previous entry I was going to take some really old writing and rewrite it with my current skills. Well... my old writing is really terrible and hollow and insubstantial so already I've managed to take a few lines and expand that to a few paragraphs. I may or may not (probably will) continue, but I think I have enough now to show a difference.
Alright, and this is actually pretty embarrassing for me, so I ask that you not be... awful, in regards to the old writing. You can laugh, but don't be cruel. I was 13-14 at the time, I didn't know what I was doing, the characterization was bad, there's no description, it's all cheesy dialouge, and anything you point out about it? I already know. I've already laughed at it and had my soul cry some because of it. :D
The re-written stuff, which doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of the scene, especially since I'm essentially having to revamp it all, you are more than welcome to offer constructive criticism to. After all, this is an exercise in improvement in writing.
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As I said before in a previous entry I was going to take some really old writing and rewrite it with my current skills. Well... my old writing is really terrible and hollow and insubstantial so already I've managed to take a few lines and expand that to a few paragraphs. I may or may not (probably will) continue, but I think I have enough now to show a difference.
Alright, and this is actually pretty embarrassing for me, so I ask that you not be... awful, in regards to the old writing. You can laugh, but don't be cruel. I was 13-14 at the time, I didn't know what I was doing, the characterization was bad, there's no description, it's all cheesy dialouge, and anything you point out about it? I already know. I've already laughed at it and had my soul cry some because of it. :D
The re-written stuff, which doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of the scene, especially since I'm essentially having to revamp it all, you are more than welcome to offer constructive criticism to. After all, this is an exercise in improvement in writing.
=======
After a while and after fighting several monsters, Silas and Alina reached Maliza.
"It's so creepy..." Silas whispered.
Maliza seemed dark, literally. The sky was too dark for the time of day and several ruffians were walking around. The houses looked all dilapidated and a light smoke of pollution floated about the air.
"Hey baby..." a voice sounded behind Silas. He and Alina turned around.
A tall blonde woman stood behind them. She was wearing a *very* revealing dress. She had a white fur coat on over her purple dress. She was wearing very expensive jewelry and had a cigarette in her hand. She was eyeing Silas.
"Mmmm.. you're cute..." she said in a sinister voice. "just like that other boy..."
"other.. boy?" Silas asked.
"oh.. enough small talk..." she lifted up her hand and started playing with Silas' hair. "You wanna buy my merchandise or not?"
Silas grinned as she flipped his hair around. "Merchandise?" he asked.
Alina slammed her elbow into Silas' ribs.
"oof! ..I guess not.." he said.
The woman shrugged. "Your losss... but if you change your mind, you'll know where to find me." she winked as Silas before walking off.
"You wanna buy my merchandise or not?" Alina mocked the woman. "You idiot..." she told Silas.
"What!? I didn't know what she was talking about!" Silas said.
"ugh...you're hopeless..." Alina rolled her eyes and started walking away.
"What?" Silas started walking after Alina but accidently bumped into a man. "Oh.. excuse me." Silas said.
The man, who was indeed a very large rough looking man, lifted Silas up by his arms quite easily.
"Who do you think you are!?" he yelled at Silas. A few more rough looking men gathered around.
"I said I was sorry. It was an accident." Silas explained.
Alina pushed her way through the fast forming crowd. "Leave him alone!" she yelled.
The man threw Silas on the ground and started walking toward Alina. He noticed her pendant. "Hmmm?" he took her pendant.
"Give that back!" Alina screamed as she reached for her pendant. A couple of men held her back.
"This is nice... it'll pick up a hefty price." the man grinned evilly. He motioned toward Silas. "Rough him up some!"
A couple of men started advancing toward Silas. They had knives in their hands.
Silas drew out his swords, but he knew he was outnumbered.
"Hee! Hee! Hee!" the men started advancing in on Silas.
"What's going on here!?"
Everyone turned around and saw a man standing there. He was tall and had long blue hair hair pulled back in a loose ponytail. He was holding a spear in his hand. He had a small flute at his side. He seemed angry.
"Well?" he repeated.
"What do you think you're...!?" started the man who stole Alina's pendant.
The guy with the spear turned around and thrust his spear forward. It grabbed Alina's pendant and he let it slide down his spear so he could grab it.
The man who was going to attack Silas forgot about him. "What are you doing!?"
They ran after him but he took his spear and knocked the knives out of their hands. He turned around and hit another guy coming after him across the face.
He looked at everyone. "Does anyon eelse want me to demonstrate some more?" he asked holding up his spear. The crowd of ruffians quickly dispersed leaving Silas, Alina, and the guy.
He walked over to Silas and helped him up. "You okay?" he asked.
"...yeah..." Silas replied.
He walked to Alina and held out her pendant. "I believe this is yours."
Alina took her pendant. "Th..thank you."
"You really should be more careful around her." he turned to Silas. "You don't just run into people around here and you..." he turned to Alina. "dont's let everyone know you know someone about to get their ass kicked. That was just stupid."
"Hey...what's your problem, anyway?" Silas asked.
"*My* problem!? What about..."
"Hey, you two! Cut that out!" Alina shouted... "He *did* just save us! Maybe you could be more grateful!" she told Silas.
"hmph!....thanks..." Silas grunted.
"..well..I'm *very grateful!" Alina told him.
"...you guys wanna drink? I'm going to the bar and I doubt you two should be alone in this town."
"Sure!" Alina said.
"It's so creepy..." Silas whispered.
Maliza seemed dark, literally. The sky was too dark for the time of day and several ruffians were walking around. The houses looked all dilapidated and a light smoke of pollution floated about the air.
"Hey baby..." a voice sounded behind Silas. He and Alina turned around.
A tall blonde woman stood behind them. She was wearing a *very* revealing dress. She had a white fur coat on over her purple dress. She was wearing very expensive jewelry and had a cigarette in her hand. She was eyeing Silas.
"Mmmm.. you're cute..." she said in a sinister voice. "just like that other boy..."
"other.. boy?" Silas asked.
"oh.. enough small talk..." she lifted up her hand and started playing with Silas' hair. "You wanna buy my merchandise or not?"
Silas grinned as she flipped his hair around. "Merchandise?" he asked.
Alina slammed her elbow into Silas' ribs.
"oof! ..I guess not.." he said.
The woman shrugged. "Your losss... but if you change your mind, you'll know where to find me." she winked as Silas before walking off.
"You wanna buy my merchandise or not?" Alina mocked the woman. "You idiot..." she told Silas.
"What!? I didn't know what she was talking about!" Silas said.
"ugh...you're hopeless..." Alina rolled her eyes and started walking away.
"What?" Silas started walking after Alina but accidently bumped into a man. "Oh.. excuse me." Silas said.
The man, who was indeed a very large rough looking man, lifted Silas up by his arms quite easily.
"Who do you think you are!?" he yelled at Silas. A few more rough looking men gathered around.
"I said I was sorry. It was an accident." Silas explained.
Alina pushed her way through the fast forming crowd. "Leave him alone!" she yelled.
The man threw Silas on the ground and started walking toward Alina. He noticed her pendant. "Hmmm?" he took her pendant.
"Give that back!" Alina screamed as she reached for her pendant. A couple of men held her back.
"This is nice... it'll pick up a hefty price." the man grinned evilly. He motioned toward Silas. "Rough him up some!"
A couple of men started advancing toward Silas. They had knives in their hands.
Silas drew out his swords, but he knew he was outnumbered.
"Hee! Hee! Hee!" the men started advancing in on Silas.
"What's going on here!?"
Everyone turned around and saw a man standing there. He was tall and had long blue hair hair pulled back in a loose ponytail. He was holding a spear in his hand. He had a small flute at his side. He seemed angry.
"Well?" he repeated.
"What do you think you're...!?" started the man who stole Alina's pendant.
The guy with the spear turned around and thrust his spear forward. It grabbed Alina's pendant and he let it slide down his spear so he could grab it.
The man who was going to attack Silas forgot about him. "What are you doing!?"
They ran after him but he took his spear and knocked the knives out of their hands. He turned around and hit another guy coming after him across the face.
He looked at everyone. "Does anyon eelse want me to demonstrate some more?" he asked holding up his spear. The crowd of ruffians quickly dispersed leaving Silas, Alina, and the guy.
He walked over to Silas and helped him up. "You okay?" he asked.
"...yeah..." Silas replied.
He walked to Alina and held out her pendant. "I believe this is yours."
Alina took her pendant. "Th..thank you."
"You really should be more careful around her." he turned to Silas. "You don't just run into people around here and you..." he turned to Alina. "dont's let everyone know you know someone about to get their ass kicked. That was just stupid."
"Hey...what's your problem, anyway?" Silas asked.
"*My* problem!? What about..."
"Hey, you two! Cut that out!" Alina shouted... "He *did* just save us! Maybe you could be more grateful!" she told Silas.
"hmph!....thanks..." Silas grunted.
"..well..I'm *very grateful!" Alina told him.
"...you guys wanna drink? I'm going to the bar and I doubt you two should be alone in this town."
"Sure!" Alina said.
=======
Silas would have rather not had to go to Maliza. It was a destitute city that was home to more than its fair share of criminal activity and unsavory sorts. However the options weren't exactly practical or possible. Traveling straight from Dr. Mill's home to the port city Duriant would send him and Alina both to mountainous areas that neither had knowledge of how to traverse- too dangerous a thing to try with no experience. They couldn't travel around the forest Maliza was nested in either, as that would take too long and they didn't have the adequate supplies to last that long. So it was with much coercion from Alina that Silas finally agreed to travel into the Malizan forest.
Despite the fact that they had gotten lost quite a few times in the deeper, thicker parts of the woods it only took around three days for the pair to reach the outskirts of the city. It was easier to find when they were in close proximity as the air had somehow.. changed. There was something thicker about it, more polluted and unclean, and following it lead them closer to and into the city- even if was barely passable as a 'city'.
Stone pathways were cracked and chipped, occasionally giving way to potholes that would make carriage travel near impossible. Homes looked to be in the state of near dilapidation; with shutters falling from hinges, wood rotting and spackled with moss, and the gas powered street lamps were barely functioning, not giving much in the way of light to the city as the afternoon was fading to the night. Deeper in the heart of Maliza were the taller, larger buildings- not crafted of wood but of worn stone and discolored brick.
This was not a place that Silas and Alina felt particularly welcome or at ease at.
As they ventured further into the city Silas made sure Alina kept close and at his side while he kept an eye out on their surroundings. Hopefully there would be an inn they could stay in for the night. At worse they would have to take turns in sleeping, rather than leave themselves vulnerable to the unknown. Tomorrow, when the sun was up once more, would be the time to check the shops and restock on supplies.
"This place gives me the creeps..." An idle comment beneath Silas' breath was directed to Alina. She couldn't help but smile wryly as she hooked her arm in his.
"Leave it to you to state the obvious." Her tone soft and good natured. The wry smile she had waned some as her expression grew to one of worry as she glanced around. "I think we've passed this area. I remember that building."
"We have." Keeping it simple, Silas' eyes were locked ahead rather than risking a glance to Alina.
"Did you plan on telling me we were lost anytime soon?" She was trying to hide the annoyance in her tone and expression but couldn't quite keep it from the surface.
"If we passed by again, maybe..." Finally, Silas glanced aside to offer Alina a reassuring grin. "I didn't want to worry you. But you know, I've never actually *been* here before, so it's not like I'd know where all the inns are at. I'd have asked you but I get this inkling you haven't set foot here either."
"I haven't, no." A quick retort, before she stopped walking, forcing Silas to stop with her. Withdrawing her arm from his, she huffed quietly. "So are we to wander around aimlessly all night Silas?"
He sighed as he allowed his arm to fall away from Alina, then reached up to rub awkwardly at his neck. "I don't know? That wasn't exactly my plan. Neither of us know where to go, so what would you have me do?" Grinning, he gestured around and lowered his voice to a whisper. "Ask one of these *fine citizens* for directions?"
Alina wrinkled her nose, shaking her head. Any of the people they had seen looked anything *but* fine citizens. Ruffians and rogues, the lot of them. "N-no. But we can't just wander..."
"Alright then." Silas shrugged and watched her expectantly and with a smile. "You're the expert. What's our next move?"
"I-uh..."
So engrossed in their 'arguing' the pair hadn't taken notice of the sound of heels on concrete growing closer, or the woman who watched them both with a half-bemused, half-bored expression. She was tall and blonde with finely sculpted features and wearing quite the snug dress. The furs she adorned weren't easily discernable as fake or real, but the jewelry she wore looked too large and gaudy to be crafted of real gem and stone. Hanging loosely between her fingers was a freshly lit cigarette, the filter of which was line in the same crimson she painted her lips with. After partaking of a long drag from her cigarette the woman chuckled; low, sultry and throaty.
Startled by the sudden intrusion of another Alina quickly moved to retake her place near Silas, watching the woman warily. Amused, she took cigarette between her lips to hang there loosely then held up her hands to the pair in a defensive gesture.
"You can relax doll. If I meant any harm to either of ya I certainly wouldn't have announced myself in such an obvious manner." Dark eyes shifted between the two, lingering more so on Silas than Alina. Posture relaxing, cigarette was pulled away from her lips again. "You two definitely look out of place... here."
Despite the fact that they had gotten lost quite a few times in the deeper, thicker parts of the woods it only took around three days for the pair to reach the outskirts of the city. It was easier to find when they were in close proximity as the air had somehow.. changed. There was something thicker about it, more polluted and unclean, and following it lead them closer to and into the city- even if was barely passable as a 'city'.
Stone pathways were cracked and chipped, occasionally giving way to potholes that would make carriage travel near impossible. Homes looked to be in the state of near dilapidation; with shutters falling from hinges, wood rotting and spackled with moss, and the gas powered street lamps were barely functioning, not giving much in the way of light to the city as the afternoon was fading to the night. Deeper in the heart of Maliza were the taller, larger buildings- not crafted of wood but of worn stone and discolored brick.
This was not a place that Silas and Alina felt particularly welcome or at ease at.
As they ventured further into the city Silas made sure Alina kept close and at his side while he kept an eye out on their surroundings. Hopefully there would be an inn they could stay in for the night. At worse they would have to take turns in sleeping, rather than leave themselves vulnerable to the unknown. Tomorrow, when the sun was up once more, would be the time to check the shops and restock on supplies.
"This place gives me the creeps..." An idle comment beneath Silas' breath was directed to Alina. She couldn't help but smile wryly as she hooked her arm in his.
"Leave it to you to state the obvious." Her tone soft and good natured. The wry smile she had waned some as her expression grew to one of worry as she glanced around. "I think we've passed this area. I remember that building."
"We have." Keeping it simple, Silas' eyes were locked ahead rather than risking a glance to Alina.
"Did you plan on telling me we were lost anytime soon?" She was trying to hide the annoyance in her tone and expression but couldn't quite keep it from the surface.
"If we passed by again, maybe..." Finally, Silas glanced aside to offer Alina a reassuring grin. "I didn't want to worry you. But you know, I've never actually *been* here before, so it's not like I'd know where all the inns are at. I'd have asked you but I get this inkling you haven't set foot here either."
"I haven't, no." A quick retort, before she stopped walking, forcing Silas to stop with her. Withdrawing her arm from his, she huffed quietly. "So are we to wander around aimlessly all night Silas?"
He sighed as he allowed his arm to fall away from Alina, then reached up to rub awkwardly at his neck. "I don't know? That wasn't exactly my plan. Neither of us know where to go, so what would you have me do?" Grinning, he gestured around and lowered his voice to a whisper. "Ask one of these *fine citizens* for directions?"
Alina wrinkled her nose, shaking her head. Any of the people they had seen looked anything *but* fine citizens. Ruffians and rogues, the lot of them. "N-no. But we can't just wander..."
"Alright then." Silas shrugged and watched her expectantly and with a smile. "You're the expert. What's our next move?"
"I-uh..."
So engrossed in their 'arguing' the pair hadn't taken notice of the sound of heels on concrete growing closer, or the woman who watched them both with a half-bemused, half-bored expression. She was tall and blonde with finely sculpted features and wearing quite the snug dress. The furs she adorned weren't easily discernable as fake or real, but the jewelry she wore looked too large and gaudy to be crafted of real gem and stone. Hanging loosely between her fingers was a freshly lit cigarette, the filter of which was line in the same crimson she painted her lips with. After partaking of a long drag from her cigarette the woman chuckled; low, sultry and throaty.
Startled by the sudden intrusion of another Alina quickly moved to retake her place near Silas, watching the woman warily. Amused, she took cigarette between her lips to hang there loosely then held up her hands to the pair in a defensive gesture.
"You can relax doll. If I meant any harm to either of ya I certainly wouldn't have announced myself in such an obvious manner." Dark eyes shifted between the two, lingering more so on Silas than Alina. Posture relaxing, cigarette was pulled away from her lips again. "You two definitely look out of place... here."
